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Guilt. It hit like a wave, pulling me under. Who did I think I was, giving advice to people and their birds when I could have my own umbrella cockatoo die before she even reached eight years of age?

How could I write anything dealing with pet psittacines when I couldn't even prevent my own bird from dying after a long battle with lead poisoning? The self-doubt was raging through me, trying to put a halt to any semblance of productivity I could muster.

Days passed, and I could barely bring myself to visit the Pet Care Forum, a place that I had loved for years; a place that brought me comfort, support and a kindred love of learning about the feathered beings that grace our lives. Why was I hiding? Did I believe the members would shun me? Did I think the rest of the staff would find my care of my cockatoo lacking? What the hell happened to my self-confidence?

Yes, the whole grief process involves a myriad of emotions, not the least of which can be anger and guilt. I was angry that I hadn't KNOWN she was ready to leave me. I felt guilty for the same reason. But the self-doubt was something I had not expected.

Let me take you back to the beginning, when Lobo was first sick. Almost three years ago, I had a beautiful negligee. It was imported, with fabulous beading, and I loved it. Lobo loved it, too, but what I didn't realize was that she had plucked off a bead, and it would begin its journey of destruction through her digestive tract.

One of the things I do regularly is to weigh my birds on Saturday mornings. Lobo had always hovered around 480 grams, a good weight for her. She began to slowly lose weight, and I noticed her begin to vomit. We went to our beloved avian vet, who quickly diagnosed heavy-metal poisoning and started Lobo on chelation therapy. I was to give her twice daily injections of Calcium EDTA. X-rays revealed the tiny culprit, lodged in her intestinal tract. I began hand-feeding her again, using baby-food sweet potatoes, and to this, we added Metamucil in the hopes the fiber would help push the metal entity from her system.

The next three months were frightening. I would wake each morning, wondering if I would find Lobo dead. She plummeted down in weight to less than 380 grams. Lobo barely acknowledged the injections, so sick was she. I would hold her on my lap, wrapped in a soft throw, and rock her as she cried. My heart was breaking.

Slowly, though, I began to see a change in her. Finally, she began to need to be toweled before I could give her her injection. I was elated! Her weight began to come back, but it would never again reach 480 grams. We were lucky to get her to 400 grams. She became very picky when it came to food, and I would spoil her terribly, stocking up on her favorite banana chips and pine nuts.

At last, our vet said we could stop the injections, but watch her closely. She would be prone to illness, he said, opportunistic infections would easily find her. And they did. We fought through several bouts of infections, at least one every few months. But through it all, she was an angel. I had thought she'd hate me for those injections, but not Lobo. Her greatest joy was our morning and evening cuddles.

I remember something else our vet had told me, although I had not wanted to listen to him. "Tequila," he said, "cherish the time you have with Lobo. She can't fight forever. I don't know how she pulled through this, but you have to realize she'll never be a healthy bird. Cherish the time you have."

So we had three extra years, and we had each other to love. As for my guilt and anger and self-doubt; I'll get through them. I've found the most supportive community in the world here among the lovers of birds. The PetHobbyist members, and my beloved friends, the PetHobbyist Staff, help me every day. We do the best we can and we give our parrots our love. The guilt is waning, and the self-confidence is coming back. I have seven other parrots that rely on me, and they have also had a hand (foot?) in supporting me.

I told my military macaw that it was now his responsibility to take up the slack when it came to cuddles, and by god, he's been doing just that. Don't tell me parrots aren't intelligent and empathetic. I know better. That's right, I KNOW.

PetHobbyist.com provides hosted pet loss and grief support chats 365 nights a year, as well as Pet Loss Forums, at http://www.pethobbyist.com/PetLoss.html.